Just a Taste

And as the tears began to stream down my face I finally understood the totality of my actions. The memories I had spent years pouring over crystallized and the clarity of what I had done became real. In an instant the denial and delusion slipped away. I cried for who we were and also for who we never would be. I mourned a life I would never live and then just like that it was over. After years I felt absolution. I cannot change the past, no matter how desperately I try. Change is a part of life and fighting it is like fighting an ocean current: the harder you struggle the quicker you get sucked under. I had been drowning for years and now I was inhaling air for the first time in I don't even know how long. My flotation device is fragile and new but the current is mild.

Amphetamine Logic

I used to love doing drugs. I mean really love them. When I was going to school in New Orleans I started doing Ritalin pretty regularly. I would stay up all night and write nonsensical things that I was convinced were the beginnings of the great American novel. As it turns out they were really the scrawlings of a delusional drug addict posing as a literary ingenue. I ended up failing out of school, due in no small part to my obsession with amphetamines. I loved doing them but there was always a point where things got a little crazy. The first hour or 2 is phenomenal. You feel great, you're energetic, and for some reasons cigarettes taste fucking amazing. But then if you keep going down the rabbit hole everything gets fucked up. It's gradual too; it sneaks up on you. I would say around 1 am is when it becomes hell. It stops being fun but you can't just turn it off. I remember being up all night and praying to fall asleep. Lying in the dark, hearing the traffic outside and almost crying from delirium because you just want it to stop. It's like a fucked up carnival ride that keeps spinning long after you've thrown up. I remember rejoicing when the sun would come up. That meant that the long, nightmarish night was finally over. I could shower, go to class, and try and act like a normal human being. Days were easy but I wouldn't wish those nights on anyone. The worst part was that when you finally came down you were so exhausted from being up for days at a time that you would crash. I would slip into a coma masquerading as sleep and stay that way for 14 hours. I missed so many classes. I tried to count once but I couldn't keep the days straight. When I moved back to Baltimore I started taking Ritalin again. It was bad at first but eventually I evened out. I even stopped taking it and started selling it to my retarded co-worker Dawn. Oh Dawn, life hasn't, nor will it ever be, kind to you. I guess the point of this post is to say that some drugs are bad. Not all of them but some. So, be careful I guess. Or don't, I'm not going to tell you what to do.

L.A. Confidential

My friend Joe lives in L.A.. He's an actor. He was my roommate in Ireland. He looks identical to Adam Scott. He made me this:

It's like that.

Failing Upwards

Weakend

So I'm sitting in the WYPR office revising my script for the live show on Monday. It's all about gays in the Bible Belt. Originally I wanted to call the show "Sad Fags" but surprise surprise America isn't ready for my blend of edgy, nonconformist writing. Their loss. Anyway, after this I have work until midnight, then work at 6AM then driving up to Philly to see Matthew and go to the Kreayshawn concert (I know). Then I have to haul ass back to MD for work until midnight on Sunday. It's times like these I wish I still did amphetamines.

So It's Come to This

tedium - boredom - weariness - bore - dullness

Well I've done it again. Regardless of how often history has proven me wrong I've once again waited until the last minute to finish some work. I have a group presentation tomorrow and I have to have my script and notes in for Monday's show. The radio show takes precedent obviously. I'm pretty much done my script and I'd say I'm 2/3's of the way through my notes. These are both very good things. And thank God T'Keyah called me and told me that she hasn't even started her part of the presentation yet. I admitted that I too wasn't as far along as perhaps she had thought. We're meeting before class tomorrow to combine everything. This means, however, that I will be up all night working. Which is fine! Totally fine! This week is a complete cluster fuck though. I have those 2 things plus school plus the radio station plus my job. I'm busy up until noon Saturday. Then I'm free!

I can't wait for Saturday actually, now that you've brought it up. I'm driving up to Philly to see Matthew and go to the Kreayshawn show...don't judge. Rye Rye is opening and it'll be a super happy kawaii fun night. Besides any excuse to see Matthew is a good thing. I don't write about him too often, probably because he's the only person I've ever been romantic with and not pushed away. He doesn't even like Kreayshawn (honestly I can't blame him) and he's going with me; I'm assuming that speaks volumes.

School is winding down blah. Internship is winding down blah. Creeping on your facebook page is killing me blah. You know, the usual. I can't help but wonder though. Perhaps my current feelings of ennui have to do with my impending graduation. For once I have no fucking idea what I'm doing next. I can only assume that my apathetic attitude has something to do with my the inevitable liminal phase that I'll be entering. I hate transitional phases. I really fucking hate them. It all stems from my deep rooted fear regarding change and not being in control.

To you, I hope you're happy.

To me, I hope you're happy too.

Ennui

I'm writing this because I haven't written since last week. So I voted this morning...it was a giant pain in the ass. I had to wait in line for 30 minutes with someone I went to high school with and haven't seen since graduation. I was sandwiched between that guy and one of my neighbors who I don't really know. It was awkward to say the least. Then I had to haul ass to school for an international student luncheon. Ughhhhhh. This Saturday my play "Gathering Doom" will premiere at the Maryland State Irish Festival, so you should check it out, or don't, I really don't care. However, if you do check it out I will be there for a post show Q&A (I've done more Q&A's this year than I ever thought I'd do in my entire life) so you could ask some really embarrassing questions. Also boys are stupid. Also I met Shiny Toy Guns. Also I met MNDR and she was fucking amazing!!!!!