And as the tears began to stream down my face I finally understood the totality of my actions. The memories I had spent years pouring over crystallized and the clarity of what I had done became real. In an instant the denial and delusion slipped away. I cried for who we were and also for who we never would be. I mourned a life I would never live and then just like that it was over. After years I felt absolution. I cannot change the past, no matter how desperately I try. Change is a part of life and fighting it is like fighting an ocean current: the harder you struggle the quicker you get sucked under. I had been drowning for years and now I was inhaling air for the first time in I don't even know how long. My flotation device is fragile and new but the current is mild.
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